I’ve been feeling so lazy these past few weeks. I don’t know if it’s because I just finished planning my big Make a Difference Day event or what. Lately, I’ve been staying up late and not catching up on sleep. I like sleeping but I guess I’m just a night owl. No matter how tired I am at night, I just can’t bear to lay down in bed and close my eyes. I feel like there’s something else I could be doing besides sleeping. I don’t know if I’m necessarily a night owl either because I also really enjoy seeing the sunrise and the feeling of being awake during the first few hours following sunrise.
I got a good amount of sleep last night and woke up feeling refreshed this morning. Yet, why do I feel so lazy and unproductive?! I always have a hard time getting back on course unless I stay on course. It’s hard for me to take a break from anything because then I lose my focus. I’d rather power on through until the end. I can be a workaholic sometimes because of that but I enjoy being busy and having something to work on all the time. Yet, sometimes I just want to stop and push everything out.
It’s hard for me to figure myself out sometimes. Besides the whole night owl or early bird thing, I don’t know if I prefer being around others or by myself. I find solace in being by myself, surrounded by my own thoughts and the peace and serenity that comes with it. At the same time, I also yearn for the companionship and comfort that comes with being with another human being.
I used to describe myself as shy but I don’t think that adjective describes me very well now. I don’t think of myself as an extrovert either but I am pretty sure an introvert is not who I am. I have no problem with getting up in front of a large crowd, being loud, outgoing, and sometimes even obnoxious. Yet, when I’m with another individual, I find it hard to figure out what to say?
Maybe I’ve just learned to adapt to my situation too well that I can’t figure out what part is me and what part is my adaptation skills? Or maybe I’m just thinking too much like I usually do? I’m slowly understanding what everyone means when they say you’ll find your own path and who you are in life because I’m slowly discovering that for myself. Sometimes I want to escape my life, go somewhere where no one knows me or my background and experience life and the world through a different lens. Who will I become then or will I only come closer to finding out who I really am?
“Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor.” – Dr. Alexis Carrel