Archive | March 2013

Random Assortment of Thoughts

There’s so much going on in my life right now, both personal and professional…. Lots of change, lots of uncertainties, lots of encountering the unknown and wondering about the what’s to come.

Why is life so complicated? Why is there so much to consider? Do things for myself or do things because I feel it is my duty? Live for myself or live for others? Be selfish or be self-less?

Should I try something new or stick to what I know? Seek out temporary opportunities or look for something more permanent and lasting? Stay in my hometown or venture out? Will I make it? Will I hate it? Where am I headed? Where will I end up? Where would I like to be? What would I like to do?

I want to start dating again, but where to find the perfect guy? And what is perfect?

I need some me time, some alone time, some no one else time.

Niall Cooper

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Sarah: An inspiration for others

A 29 year old single parent living a life on benefits in Salford, Sarah Whitehead seemingly had little going for her.  Like many…

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Looking Back One Year Later – Part 2

This is a second journal entry written a few months after my break up with my ex.

April 2nd, 2012

I haven’t written in this journal for a while now… it’s been almost one month. I feel like I’ve moved on and I am able to get you out of my life. I’m able to be my own person again, discover what it is that I want from life.

I dreamed about you two nights ago. In this dream though, you weren’t with another girl nor was I afraid. For some reason, you came to my house but I didn’t know it. I walked into my room and I see you there hiding in the corner. As soon as I walk into the room, you call out and ask if it is me. I say yes, it is. Then walk over towards you. I realize that you are hunched over in the corner like you’re afraid. It is only then that I realize you are blind. Despite all of my control over my emotions, I couldn’t help but be worried and concerned about you. I ask you all sorts of questions, like what happened, how come you’re blind, how did you make it to my house, don’t tell me you drove yourself. I couldn’t believe all the emotion and concern that was pouring out of me. You tell me to let you stay there for the night. I say of course but worry how I will hide you from my parents. You ask if there is some way you could sneak out unnoticed the next morning. I tell you yes, while my dad takes my little sister to the bus stop. But then I worried because I wondered who would take care of you when you left. How were you going to get home? Should I take you home? Was someone going to pick you up? How would they know when? How would we get you to leave without being caught?

That was my dream. Very strange and weird. I’ll admit that I’m happy I didn’t have another dream about you and some girl. At the same time, this dream puzzles me. Yes, before going to bed I had been thinking about you and how I would feel if I saw you again, if you were to appear before me again. Yet the blindness puzzles me. Nothing about my day could’ve triggered the blindness in the dream.

My conclusion is that yes, I do still care about you, more than I will admit to myself at the moment. But I can also conclude that I have moved on because I no longer dream about you and another girl nor do I feel scared or wonder about that anymore. As for the blindness, I take it to mean that perhaps you are in a rough time right now. Not really sure if breaking up was the right decision, not really sure about grad school in the future… Who knows? Did you get accepted to the school of your choice?

I don’t take this as a sign that you will come back to me. Nor do I use it as hope. I take it as what I described in the previous paragraph. Even if you were to come back to me and want to have a relationship again, I think I will tell you we should just be friends and take it from there. Even if it hurts you and even if you don’t want that. But chances are you probably won’t do that because you have too large of an ego and a much bigger pride to ever do anything like that again.

Yes, I did love you once and I still do. I wonder about things as time brings us farther apart and we cease to be in each other’s lives. I don’t think about the past or about us too much nowadays. But from time to time, I do wonder how you are doing. Are you well? Have you made new friends? Have you met anyone? Are you seeing anyone? Are you happy? Yes, I wonder about those things because I can’t help it. But I know that I loved you with all of my heart. I loved you more than myself and my family. And because of that I am able to move on and I can move on and be okay with it. I may have many things you aren’t satisfied with but I believe I still have plenty of things to offer. And if you can’t see those things then too bad for you. Or if the areas where I am not good enough for you outshine all of my other qualities then we probably shouldn’t be together anyway.

After talking to a close friend, I realize that yes, I still want to be with you and make things work but if they don’t then that’s okay. I also realized I have a lot to thank you for. Thank you for pushing me out of my comfort zone, for helping me to speak up for myself. Thank you for helping me be more conscious of how I present myself to others not only in my dress but also in my manner and the way I present myself. Thank you for instilling confidence in me to be proud of who I am and how I look. Thank you for teaching me all the geeky computer and technology stuff that I know. Thank you for challenging me to start thinking about things I should be. Lastly, thank you for allowing me to be part of your family. I enjoyed getting to know your parents and brother and while I was getting used to them and starting to see them as my own family members, I guess things won’t work out now. But at least I had the chance to be a part of another family. So thank you for all of the things you’ve given me from this relationship. I only hope that you are able to realize all that I have given you from this relationship and truly treasure the time we had together and how I enriched your own life instead of being bitter about the relationship and let that ruin everything.

When we first broke up, I had decided I would send you an anonymous birthday card each year but that was when I was still hung up about you. Now I don’t know if sending you one will be such a good idea. Also, maybe you will suspect that it is me and only get upset. I’ll have to think about it and wonder if it is worth my time and energy.

I’ve written my last thoughts about you and to you here and I’ve decided to use this journal as a place to talk and connect with you whenever those odd little reminders in life draw me back towards you. But now, onto a new beginning.

“Today expect something good to happen to you no matter what occurred yesterday. Realize the past no longer holds you captive. It can only continue to hurt you if you hold onto it. Let the past go. A simply abundant world awaits.” – Sarah Breathnach

Looking Back One Year After – Part 1

About a year ago, I had a very bad break up with an ex-boyfriend. The last few months of our relationship were very rocky and that was when I started journaling about my relationship with him. It’s been a little over a year since we’ve broken up and while it was hard, I have moved on and gotten over him. Last night, I was looking through my journal and have decided to share two journal entries I wrote after my break up. The journal entry below was written recently after my break up. Later this week I will put up a second post with an entry written a few months following my break up.

February 18, 2012

I guess no matter how I try, this will always be your journal. I try to get you out of my head but you keep coming back. Thoughts of you float in and out of my head all day. If not all day then all night when I’m lying in bed.

I miss you, a lot and I don’t know if its because I make myself miss you or maybe I miss your company and being with you? I can’t fully let go of you yet I also don’t want to. I keep wondering about what’s going to happen. Will we be like this forever? How are you doing? How are you coping with all of this?

I know you think I’m such an awful person but I don’t think you fully understand and know who I am. I am an adapter. I can change myself and adjust to the situation whatever it may be and whom ever the audience. I think that’s a positive and a strength, one you never acknowledged. I don’t think its because my parents raised me to be “a slave”, to be the “perfect” Hmong daughter. Yes, that is how they raised me, with traditional values but I also had some agency. The way I turned out was very much influenced by my parents but also of my own doing.

I don’t think you understand that I had no other options. If no one else in your family can survive because you are the only one with the skills then of course, you will have to step up. That’s what I did. I don’t have a choice. I can’t leave my family behind and I don’t think you see through me nor do you take the time to go beyond your own desires to fully comprehend that. To fully comprehend that my background and my family have too strong of a tie to me that I will always be impacted by them.

I feel like you are selfish… I always thought that and that’s the impression a lot of people get when they look at you. I always thought that there was someone genuine inside that cared about others more than himself and I just needed to dig deep enough inside to find him. I saw traces of that in you and there were times that I believed it to be true. But now as I reflect and think back on our relationship, I realize that I’ve been lying to myself this whole time. I used to believe that you could care about others if you knew them enough. I used to believe you cared about me, that you would do anything for me. Now I see that that is all a lie. In our relationship you always loved yourself more than you loved me. You could commit to me but only because I never forced you to do anything and I didn’t have strict expectations for you. In other words, you still had your independence.

You couldn’t love me unconditionally. All of your love came with a price. At first it was little things and then they grew and grew…. You were very demanding in our relationship. Always thinking about yourself and getting upset when you didn’t get your way. I think if you loved me completely and more than yourself, you would love me with no conditions, no limits or reservations and bend over backwards to make me happy. You loved me, I don’t doubt that but I do believe you loved yourself more than anyone or anything in this world. You’ll never admit it but I have a suspicion it’s true.

You had conditions for being together. You wanted us to do things together but wanted me to do all of the planning. You made me be involved/do the things you enjoyed yet scoffed at all of the things I did. You never took interest in anything I enjoyed, which was okay. What wasn’t okay was that you never tried to like or be interested in them or try to understand why. Whatever you thought was stupid I had to get out of my life regardless of how I felt! You couldn’t be supportive of me even if you didn’t agree. You were never willing to go the distance for me. Wouldn’t even visit me while I was down on campus. You wanted to break up if we were to have a long distance relationship.

It was always so easy for you to give everything up if X,Y, and Z were not met. You always thought I was in the wrong and you in the right. I’m not saying I’m a perfect person but I tried to be one. I tried to be moral, just, caring, considerate. I wanted to be with you but not if you’re going to love yourself more than you love me. I believe I’m a wonderful being, who knows how to get through the challenges that life throws at her and that’s because I’m strong. I was always forgiving and the one who was willing to step down and accept the blame, the one who was willing to throw aside my pride. The one who would do anything for you even if it would kill me. I don’t see those things in you, so even though I want us to work out so badly, why should I always try and try so hard? I shouldn’t be the only one who is trying and especially if all of that effort goes unnoticed.

Our relationship didn’t conclude. It was dismissed because you decided you didn’t want to be involved anymore. All of the memories we had together and all of the good times we had together didn’t influence or impact you at all. All you thought about were the bad things.

I believe I will be successful in life. I believe I am capable and able to accept and encounter any challenge life throws at me. You, despite what you believe, have a lot of areas to develop. I don’t believe you can be successful if you give up when the going gets hard or if you dismiss people because you don’t want to deal with them. You are not a dictator, much less we don’t live in a dictatorship so you will always have to deal with other people. Not everything can always go your way. I just hope when you realize that it’s not too late for you. I know one day, you’ll regret dismissing me and telling me to get out of your life because you will realize… realize how wonderful life was with me in it. Realize how I added to your life. Realize how great I am to have put up with you. Realize you wish you had taken the time to work things out. Realize that it’s too late – for anything. By then, who knows where I’ll be? Only time can tell…