Looking Back One Year After – Part 1

About a year ago, I had a very bad break up with an ex-boyfriend. The last few months of our relationship were very rocky and that was when I started journaling about my relationship with him. It’s been a little over a year since we’ve broken up and while it was hard, I have moved on and gotten over him. Last night, I was looking through my journal and have decided to share two journal entries I wrote after my break up. The journal entry below was written recently after my break up. Later this week I will put up a second post with an entry written a few months following my break up.

February 18, 2012

I guess no matter how I try, this will always be your journal. I try to get you out of my head but you keep coming back. Thoughts of you float in and out of my head all day. If not all day then all night when I’m lying in bed.

I miss you, a lot and I don’t know if its because I make myself miss you or maybe I miss your company and being with you? I can’t fully let go of you yet I also don’t want to. I keep wondering about what’s going to happen. Will we be like this forever? How are you doing? How are you coping with all of this?

I know you think I’m such an awful person but I don’t think you fully understand and know who I am. I am an adapter. I can change myself and adjust to the situation whatever it may be and whom ever the audience. I think that’s a positive and a strength, one you never acknowledged. I don’t think its because my parents raised me to be “a slave”, to be the “perfect” Hmong daughter. Yes, that is how they raised me, with traditional values but I also had some agency. The way I turned out was very much influenced by my parents but also of my own doing.

I don’t think you understand that I had no other options. If no one else in your family can survive because you are the only one with the skills then of course, you will have to step up. That’s what I did. I don’t have a choice. I can’t leave my family behind and I don’t think you see through me nor do you take the time to go beyond your own desires to fully comprehend that. To fully comprehend that my background and my family have too strong of a tie to me that I will always be impacted by them.

I feel like you are selfish… I always thought that and that’s the impression a lot of people get when they look at you. I always thought that there was someone genuine inside that cared about others more than himself and I just needed to dig deep enough inside to find him. I saw traces of that in you and there were times that I believed it to be true. But now as I reflect and think back on our relationship, I realize that I’ve been lying to myself this whole time. I used to believe that you could care about others if you knew them enough. I used to believe you cared about me, that you would do anything for me. Now I see that that is all a lie. In our relationship you always loved yourself more than you loved me. You could commit to me but only because I never forced you to do anything and I didn’t have strict expectations for you. In other words, you still had your independence.

You couldn’t love me unconditionally. All of your love came with a price. At first it was little things and then they grew and grew…. You were very demanding in our relationship. Always thinking about yourself and getting upset when you didn’t get your way. I think if you loved me completely and more than yourself, you would love me with no conditions, no limits or reservations and bend over backwards to make me happy. You loved me, I don’t doubt that but I do believe you loved yourself more than anyone or anything in this world. You’ll never admit it but I have a suspicion it’s true.

You had conditions for being together. You wanted us to do things together but wanted me to do all of the planning. You made me be involved/do the things you enjoyed yet scoffed at all of the things I did. You never took interest in anything I enjoyed, which was okay. What wasn’t okay was that you never tried to like or be interested in them or try to understand why. Whatever you thought was stupid I had to get out of my life regardless of how I felt! You couldn’t be supportive of me even if you didn’t agree. You were never willing to go the distance for me. Wouldn’t even visit me while I was down on campus. You wanted to break up if we were to have a long distance relationship.

It was always so easy for you to give everything up if X,Y, and Z were not met. You always thought I was in the wrong and you in the right. I’m not saying I’m a perfect person but I tried to be one. I tried to be moral, just, caring, considerate. I wanted to be with you but not if you’re going to love yourself more than you love me. I believe I’m a wonderful being, who knows how to get through the challenges that life throws at her and that’s because I’m strong. I was always forgiving and the one who was willing to step down and accept the blame, the one who was willing to throw aside my pride. The one who would do anything for you even if it would kill me. I don’t see those things in you, so even though I want us to work out so badly, why should I always try and try so hard? I shouldn’t be the only one who is trying and especially if all of that effort goes unnoticed.

Our relationship didn’t conclude. It was dismissed because you decided you didn’t want to be involved anymore. All of the memories we had together and all of the good times we had together didn’t influence or impact you at all. All you thought about were the bad things.

I believe I will be successful in life. I believe I am capable and able to accept and encounter any challenge life throws at me. You, despite what you believe, have a lot of areas to develop. I don’t believe you can be successful if you give up when the going gets hard or if you dismiss people because you don’t want to deal with them. You are not a dictator, much less we don’t live in a dictatorship so you will always have to deal with other people. Not everything can always go your way. I just hope when you realize that it’s not too late for you. I know one day, you’ll regret dismissing me and telling me to get out of your life because you will realize… realize how wonderful life was with me in it. Realize how I added to your life. Realize how great I am to have put up with you. Realize you wish you had taken the time to work things out. Realize that it’s too late – for anything. By then, who knows where I’ll be? Only time can tell…

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2 thoughts on “Looking Back One Year After – Part 1

  1. Reblogged this on pajcaigaius and commented:
    a good friend’s blog about her own experience surviving a severely emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. harrowing read… but for both the reader and the writer, the greatest expression of human will, agency, and reflection. this is reclaiming yourself. this is taking a stand.

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