This is a second journal entry written a few months after my break up with my ex.
April 2nd, 2012
I haven’t written in this journal for a while now… it’s been almost one month. I feel like I’ve moved on and I am able to get you out of my life. I’m able to be my own person again, discover what it is that I want from life.
I dreamed about you two nights ago. In this dream though, you weren’t with another girl nor was I afraid. For some reason, you came to my house but I didn’t know it. I walked into my room and I see you there hiding in the corner. As soon as I walk into the room, you call out and ask if it is me. I say yes, it is. Then walk over towards you. I realize that you are hunched over in the corner like you’re afraid. It is only then that I realize you are blind. Despite all of my control over my emotions, I couldn’t help but be worried and concerned about you. I ask you all sorts of questions, like what happened, how come you’re blind, how did you make it to my house, don’t tell me you drove yourself. I couldn’t believe all the emotion and concern that was pouring out of me. You tell me to let you stay there for the night. I say of course but worry how I will hide you from my parents. You ask if there is some way you could sneak out unnoticed the next morning. I tell you yes, while my dad takes my little sister to the bus stop. But then I worried because I wondered who would take care of you when you left. How were you going to get home? Should I take you home? Was someone going to pick you up? How would they know when? How would we get you to leave without being caught?
That was my dream. Very strange and weird. I’ll admit that I’m happy I didn’t have another dream about you and some girl. At the same time, this dream puzzles me. Yes, before going to bed I had been thinking about you and how I would feel if I saw you again, if you were to appear before me again. Yet the blindness puzzles me. Nothing about my day could’ve triggered the blindness in the dream.
My conclusion is that yes, I do still care about you, more than I will admit to myself at the moment. But I can also conclude that I have moved on because I no longer dream about you and another girl nor do I feel scared or wonder about that anymore. As for the blindness, I take it to mean that perhaps you are in a rough time right now. Not really sure if breaking up was the right decision, not really sure about grad school in the future… Who knows? Did you get accepted to the school of your choice?
I don’t take this as a sign that you will come back to me. Nor do I use it as hope. I take it as what I described in the previous paragraph. Even if you were to come back to me and want to have a relationship again, I think I will tell you we should just be friends and take it from there. Even if it hurts you and even if you don’t want that. But chances are you probably won’t do that because you have too large of an ego and a much bigger pride to ever do anything like that again.
Yes, I did love you once and I still do. I wonder about things as time brings us farther apart and we cease to be in each other’s lives. I don’t think about the past or about us too much nowadays. But from time to time, I do wonder how you are doing. Are you well? Have you made new friends? Have you met anyone? Are you seeing anyone? Are you happy? Yes, I wonder about those things because I can’t help it. But I know that I loved you with all of my heart. I loved you more than myself and my family. And because of that I am able to move on and I can move on and be okay with it. I may have many things you aren’t satisfied with but I believe I still have plenty of things to offer. And if you can’t see those things then too bad for you. Or if the areas where I am not good enough for you outshine all of my other qualities then we probably shouldn’t be together anyway.
After talking to a close friend, I realize that yes, I still want to be with you and make things work but if they don’t then that’s okay. I also realized I have a lot to thank you for. Thank you for pushing me out of my comfort zone, for helping me to speak up for myself. Thank you for helping me be more conscious of how I present myself to others not only in my dress but also in my manner and the way I present myself. Thank you for instilling confidence in me to be proud of who I am and how I look. Thank you for teaching me all the geeky computer and technology stuff that I know. Thank you for challenging me to start thinking about things I should be. Lastly, thank you for allowing me to be part of your family. I enjoyed getting to know your parents and brother and while I was getting used to them and starting to see them as my own family members, I guess things won’t work out now. But at least I had the chance to be a part of another family. So thank you for all of the things you’ve given me from this relationship. I only hope that you are able to realize all that I have given you from this relationship and truly treasure the time we had together and how I enriched your own life instead of being bitter about the relationship and let that ruin everything.
When we first broke up, I had decided I would send you an anonymous birthday card each year but that was when I was still hung up about you. Now I don’t know if sending you one will be such a good idea. Also, maybe you will suspect that it is me and only get upset. I’ll have to think about it and wonder if it is worth my time and energy.
I’ve written my last thoughts about you and to you here and I’ve decided to use this journal as a place to talk and connect with you whenever those odd little reminders in life draw me back towards you. But now, onto a new beginning.
“Today expect something good to happen to you no matter what occurred yesterday. Realize the past no longer holds you captive. It can only continue to hurt you if you hold onto it. Let the past go. A simply abundant world awaits.” – Sarah Breathnach