As I approach my one-year anniversary in my current relationship, I am starting to feel anxious. Not because it will be a year but because I am feeling anxious about other things like where this relationship is headed, whether feelings are mutual, where commitments lie, etc. I guess I am partly apprehensive because my previous relationship went on for too long and I should have noticed the warning signs that the relationship was going downhill. This time around, I am trying to not tune out my gut instinct and feelings but more importantly I don’t want to be living in a false world and then have everything come crashing down on me again. My previous relationship and the time I took for myself to heal, develop and to move on, has taught me a lot about valuing myself, making sure my needs and desires are not put below that of the other person, and more importantly that I am not the only one that is tirelessly and endlessly committed to the relationship, to working to keep the relationship going.
Another reason I feel anxious is because I would like to settle down in the near future. I long for companionship, to be able to share my life with someone and to be able to see them everyday. I am ready but don’t know if he is but more so, I don’t know if he is the one. I find myself pondering this whole question and concept of “the one” a lot as I have been thinking more about my future and about marriage. The idea of prince charming, the fairy tale story and happily ever after, it all seems so happy and great. On the flip side, the thought of having one chance to get everything right is a little intimidating.
I think about security and trying to find that security in a relationship for me. What do I need to feel secure? Or rather, what do I need to feel secure as an individual who is clingy and constantly needs assurance? I find that because I need so much assurance – not as a sign that I am doing something right but rather as a sign that things are right – I need and crave so much more communication and expression. When I don’t have that, I start to ponder, and think and blow things out of proportion (which does not help my situation at all).
Because I am very self-aware, I try not to over-think and over-interpret but at the same time I am conflicted by not doing so because I do not want to fall victim to the same things that happened before in my previous relationship. I know the best thing is to talk to the other person and make things clear about where I am coming from, what I need, and why I need it. But how do you begin to broach a topic of conversation when there is so much ambiguity? You know where you stand but not where the other party stands, their expectations, or what they have in mind?