At Peace
这几天，我的心好乱。我想了很多，烤炉了很多东西，很多事情。想来想去，我就觉得这是最好的结果。不管以后怎么样，就没关系。我可以接受。好奇怪但现在我的心就安心起来了。以后就等着看吧。
What’s with her?
“What’s with her?” they ask. Even if I can’t hear them I know they think it. Better yet…“Why can’t she just get over it?” Who do I speak of? Mostly my family members. I know, the very people who should try to understand don’t. The people closest to you sometimes feel the farthest away. I guess that there are some things that we experience that others can never fully understand unless they have experienced it themselves. It’s true of my debilitating Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and the accompanying anxiety. You can try to understand, but if you haven’t experienced it then you can never really know.
I have many scars left from wounds that have been inflicted upon me over the years. Most of them came during my 11 year marriage. They varied day-to-day, but rarely did I find sleep at night without having added another to my already war-torn…
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The Courage To Let Go
Sometimes you just need to find the courage to let go.
Taking a leap of faith. Jumping without taking in my full surroundings. Jumping without knowing what is below nor what is to come. Leaving the comfort I have come to know. Jumping but not yet ready to let go.
We are not meant to stand still. The places we have gone, we can always come back to. The people we have come to know, we can always re-connect with. Our time in each place and with each person will vary. Some will always draw us back to them whereas some are only meant to be a resting place for us to catch our breath and to refresh our minds. Every person, every place, every situation brings us to them for their own reason and brings us to them when we need to encounter them.
We have to learn to trust more and question less. We have to have the courage to say goodbye, to move on, to let go.
Security in Relationships
As I approach my one-year anniversary in my current relationship, I am starting to feel anxious. Not because it will be a year but because I am feeling anxious about other things like where this relationship is headed, whether feelings are mutual, where commitments lie, etc. I guess I am partly apprehensive because my previous relationship went on for too long and I should have noticed the warning signs that the relationship was going downhill. This time around, I am trying to not tune out my gut instinct and feelings but more importantly I don’t want to be living in a false world and then have everything come crashing down on me again. My previous relationship and the time I took for myself to heal, develop and to move on, has taught me a lot about valuing myself, making sure my needs and desires are not put below that of the other person, and more importantly that I am not the only one that is tirelessly and endlessly committed to the relationship, to working to keep the relationship going.
Another reason I feel anxious is because I would like to settle down in the near future. I long for companionship, to be able to share my life with someone and to be able to see them everyday. I am ready but don’t know if he is but more so, I don’t know if he is the one. I find myself pondering this whole question and concept of “the one” a lot as I have been thinking more about my future and about marriage. The idea of prince charming, the fairy tale story and happily ever after, it all seems so happy and great. On the flip side, the thought of having one chance to get everything right is a little intimidating.
I think about security and trying to find that security in a relationship for me. What do I need to feel secure? Or rather, what do I need to feel secure as an individual who is clingy and constantly needs assurance? I find that because I need so much assurance – not as a sign that I am doing something right but rather as a sign that things are right – I need and crave so much more communication and expression. When I don’t have that, I start to ponder, and think and blow things out of proportion (which does not help my situation at all).
Because I am very self-aware, I try not to over-think and over-interpret but at the same time I am conflicted by not doing so because I do not want to fall victim to the same things that happened before in my previous relationship. I know the best thing is to talk to the other person and make things clear about where I am coming from, what I need, and why I need it. But how do you begin to broach a topic of conversation when there is so much ambiguity? You know where you stand but not where the other party stands, their expectations, or what they have in mind?
10 Reasons We Love Love
*** This is a re-post from Salon.com. See original post here.***
10 reasons we love love – By Kira Peikoff
Research shows being in love is good for your health, and can even make you less sensitive to pain
(Credit: Gemma Ferrando via Shutterstock)
The riddle is as old as the spark between the first man and woman who ever locked eyes across a cave: Why do we love?
Those first hunters and gatherers likely got together so they wouldn’t starve to death alone. For millennia, practicality ruled. Status, wealth, her family’s number of cows — these were far more important reasons to choose a mate than some fuzzy notion of romantic connection.
Since then, things have changed. We seek out the spark any way we can. Love today is a big business — see dating sites, pop songs, romance novels, rom-coms, Hallmark, etc. But if you believe love is overhyped, think again.
According to renowned couples therapist and relationship researcher Dr. Sue Johnson, the desire for that explosive, shout-it-from-the-rooftops, knee-melting connection with another human being is actually the prime driver of our species. We are hard-wired to form deep bonds with another person — bonds that can measurably enhance our lives.
In her new book “Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships,” Dr. Johnson shares a number of compelling studies that reveal the beneficial effects of love. Forget the divorce rate and the disenchanted — turns out the spark has been a pretty big deal all along.
1. Love lessens our physical perception of pain and threat
In a groundbreaking experiment, Dr. Jim Coan at the University of Virginia gathered a group of happily married women and put them in a functional MRI machine. (Rather than just showing static, structural images of the brain, this type of MRI measures which areas “light up” when a person is exposed to various stimuli.)
Once in the machines, the women were shown pictures of x’s and small circles. They were told that when they saw an x, there was a 20 percent chance that an electric shock would be delivered to their ankles. After they received each shock, they rated how much it hurt.
At various times, the women faced the threat alone, with a stranger holding their hands, or with their husbands holding their hands.
When they were alone and saw an x, alarm signals raged through their brain. They rated subsequent shocks as very painful. But then the study took a fascinating turn. The presence of strangers diminished their alarm and pain, though the shocks were the same strength. And when their husbands were by their sides, their brains barely responded to the threat of the x’s — and they rated the shocks as merely uncomfortable.
On a neurobiological level, love makes us feel safe.
“It helps us deal with our pure existential anxieties that we are small, vulnerable human beings in a great big indifferent world,” Dr. Johnson says.
2. Loving contact in very early life benefits emotional development
The catch phrase in evolutionary psychology is no longer the “survival of the fittest,” but rather, “survival of the most nurtured.”
Psychologist Michael Meaney of McGill University in Montreal did a study showing that rats who were intensely nurtured with lots of licking and grooming as pups grew up to handle danger and fear more adaptively than their less-loved counterparts.
Such highly nurtured rats remained calm even when researchers dropped them into canisters of water. The rats also registered lower levels of stress hormones than the neglected group.
3. Loving contact in childhood can “switch off” bad genes
The geneticist Danielle Dick of Virginia Commonwealth University collected DNA from 400 adolescents who had been followed from birth. She analyzed their genetic profiles for variations in a gene called CHRM2 that is associated with alcohol dependence, antisocial behavior and depression.
The teens possessing the variant who had distant, unengaged parents showed the most undesirable behavior — violence and delinquency. But the teens with the variant who had more involved, nurturing parents had fewer such problems.
These results are similar to many others affirming that life experience can affect gene expression, and that close loving care early in life can have a profound impact later on.
4. Love can protect against addiction
Research at Duke University reveals that rat pups who received lots of loving contact from their mothers had higher brain levels of interleukin-10, a molecule that suppresses a craving for morphine.
In a similar study, prairie voles who were monogamously bonded responded less to the rewarding effects of amphetamines in the brain.
5. Feeling secure in a loving relationship makes us more open to the world
Psychologist Barbara Frederickson at the University of Michigan performed an experiment in which she asked people to view videos showings three types of situations: joyful ones, angry and fearful ones, or emotionally neutral ones. Volunteers were told to imagine themselves in the scene, and then afterwards were asked what they wanted to do next.
Those who had just watched the joyful clips came up with more and varied possible actions than those who had watched the distressing or neutral clips.
Positive emotions invigorate us to take part in the world, and few experiences bring as much joy as a loving bond.
“We’re much more confident when someone has our back,” Dr. Johnson explains.
6. Love can protect your immune system
The results of a study by psychiatrist Janice Kiecolt-Glasser found that recently separated or divorced women had decreased immune functioning compared with married women.
Dr. Johnson reports that married patients who have coronary bypass surgery are three times more likely to be alive 15 years later than their unmarried counterparts.
Some psychologists, like Bert Uchino of the University of Utah, go so far as to declare that a loving relationship is more valuable than diet or exercise in sustaining good health.
7. Love can help you better cope with painful emotions
Dr. Johnson identifies three different styles of bonding: secure, anxious and avoidant.
Those who form secure attachments, she says, “have a sense in their bones that their partner is there for them. Security is this profound level of trust and confidence that you matter to someone and that they will come when you call.”
Anxiously attached people, by contrast, worry that they don’t matter to anyone enough, and so seek constant reassurance. People who form avoidant bonds are uncomfortable depending on others and resist opening up to their partners.
A brain-scan study conducted by psychologist Omri Gillath at the University of Kansas found that women who were in secure partnerships were better equipped to process difficult emotions like grief and loss than women whose bonding styles were anxious or avoidant.
When confronted with emotionally distressing scenarios, the securely attached women showed less activity in the brain region that processes sadness, the anterior temporal pole.
8. Love can be a source of not just good sex, but lasting passion
According to stereotype, sex between long-term partners gets dull and routine. But that doesn’t have to be the reality.
The more we connect emotionally, Dr. Johnson says, the more we connect sexually. A secure bond can lead to increased intimacy and adventurousness.
In his survey research of sex in America, sociologist Edward Laumann finds that long-term happy lovers have more sex and enjoy it more than singles. This fits with bonding studies by psychologists like Deborah Davis at the University of Nevada, in which lovers with stable loving bonds were more willing to experiment sexually and reported enjoying sex more than those whose attachments were less solid.
9. With help, even damaged bonds can be repaired
Dr. Johnson is the one of the originators of Emotionally Focused Therapy, which “helps people make sense of their strongest emotions — especially their longings, needs, and fears.”
Couples who take part in EFT and learn how to read and respond to each other’s signals actually undergo measurable changes in their brains.
In a recent landmark study, Dr. Johnson teamed up with Dr. Jim Coan for a variation of his shock study. Instead of recruiting happily married women, they found women who were insecurely bonded with their partners.
These women were scanned in an fMRI machine and given shocks just like in the original study — alone, with a stranger, or with their husbands. Their brains lit up with alarm while alone, which eased a little with a stranger. But unlike the group of happily married women, holding hands with their husbands did little, if anything, to mitigate their sensations of alarm and pain.
Then, after the couples underwent 20 sessions of EFT, the study was repeated. This time, when the women were with their husbands, the brain region that regulates emotion — the prefrontal cortex — did not even activate in response to the alarm cues. And when the women received a shock, they rated their pain as just uncomfortable, like the group of happily married women.
“I never expected to see the lack of activation in those women’s brains that we saw,” Dr. Johnson reflects. “But what science is saying is this impact [of secure bonding] is absolutely huge.”
10. We can depend on love for the long haul
It’s not necessarily true that human beings are wired for promiscuity or that monogamous passion is doomed to shrivel over time.
In her latest study, Dr. Johnson found that as couples became closer and more securely bonded in therapy, their satisfaction with their sex life improved as well, and they were still feeling that passion when she followed up with them two years later.
The research on sex and bonding she summarizes in her latest book sends a clear message: We have many wonderful reasons to love love.
Kira Peikoff is a freelance journalist who writes about science, health, and society. She is the author of “No Time To Die,” a thriller about a girl who mysteriously stops aging. It is available now for pre-order, and will be published on Sept. 2, 2014. Connect with her on Facebook or tweet her @KiraPeikoff.
Every Woman
20 Qualities The Person You’re Going to Marry Should Have
*** This is a re-post from Laura Argintar. View the original post on elitedaily here. ***
While we may not know who exactly we are going to marry, as fully developed, young adults, we have a pretty good idea of the qualities we’re looking for in a partner.
This isn’t a little girl’s “Prince Charming” wish list. Think of this, instead, as the list Rihanna’s friends gave to her after she broke up with Chris Brown… for the second time.
Despite this suspicious feeling that writing this list will guarantee my future as a spinster, here are the 20 qualities you should look for in the person you marry:
1. Shares your beliefs
Regardless if you believe in Satan or sprinkles, your partner should have respect for your views. Believing in the same things — like Beyoncé as a religion, or coffee as a morning non-negotiable — brings you two closer.
2. Teaches you something new
Life together will be pretty boring if you can’t learn from each other. It can be a lesson as small as how to bake chocolate chip cookies with Oreos stuffed in the middle (this has actually turned out to be an important life skill), or something more substantial, like how to use chopsticks properly. For me, this means he’s well-versed in politics and will give me the Sparknotes version of White House current events. Let’s also not forget there’s an inherent good feeling when you teach someone a new fact or skill.
3. Trusts you (and is trustworthy him or herself)
If you feel the need to raid your partner’s cell phone, you’re basically displaying your distrust for him or her — what good is a relationship like that? Once you start prying into each other’s phones, all faith goes out the window and every text is grounds for an argument.
Bottom line: If you go digging for sh*t, you’re gonna smell it.
4. Appreciates staying in together
Every couple needs quality time — just make sure your definition of “quality time” is the same as your partner’s. Going out and socializing as a duo is always fun, but it’s equally important that your partner can curl up next to you for an intimate night in. Sometimes, the most magical moments are the ones we take the time to slow down and enjoy with the person who’s right in front of us. No audience necessary.
5. Makes you a better person
You want someone who brings out your best self. A great way tell if you and your partner should tie the knot is by honestly asking yourself, “Does this person make me better?”
6. Entertains inside jokes
No, I’m not talking about how you both love to crack up while watching the “Afternoon Delight” scene in “Anchorman.” I’m talking about the kind of inside joke, where all you have to do is give the other person a certain look and it instantly sends you both into a laughing fit. You are both so on the same page that the joke doesn’t need to be explained; your partner just gets it.
7. Does not place restrictions on you or the relationship
The person you marry shouldn’t give you ultimatums like, “I won’t date you until you get a promotion,” or “If you go out with your friends, I’ll break up with you.” There shouldn’t be rules to your relationship that prohibit you from doing certain things or hold you back from being who you are.
He can’t prevent you from wearing your crop top to the bar (although, it is very flattering when he gets jealous like that). Likewise, she can’t stop you from playing video games before bed (that is, unless she’s not wearing any clothes…).
8. Compromises
Compromise is the key to any successful relationship; we’ve been taught this since kindergarten. Do I love going to Phish concerts and listening to 20-minute guitar riffs? No, but I’ll make it my mission to enjoy myself and do it anyway (for the drugs, mostly). And I’m sure he doesn’t like being dragged to see weird indie films, but I’ll buy the popcorn and soda and toss in a Xanax because I’m nice like that.
9. Respects your family
Notice how I don’t use the word “likes” here; although, that’s always a plus. This also goes for both sets of friends.
10. Satisfies in bed
If you can’t please your partner in bed, chances are, he or she is gonna look for that satisfaction elsewhere. Being satisfied in the sack goes beyond pleasure; it means you two are also sexually comfortable with one another. When it comes to matters in the bedroom, you and your partner should keep an open dialogue.
11. Maintains a healthy relationship with alcohol and socializing
If your partner can’t handle drinking or social situations, then you’ll either: A) Have to accept the role of the occasional babysitter, or B) Pass on it altogether. (Shout out to my future hubby!) Drinking Jameson and crying at the bar afterwards is kind of a deal-breaker — same with getting violent, Chris Brown.
12. Loves your flaws
True confession: I love not wearing pants. If you don’t love that about me, then we probably aren’t meant to be together. The person you marry should, of course, play up your strengths, but also appreciate your imperfections. It might sound trite, but it’s your quirks that make you… You.
13. Gives you well-deserved compliments
So sue us for wanting the person we love to tell us we’re beautiful and perfect and incredible and smart and the best person on the planet?
Seriously, though, you don’t need to shower us in flattery, but when we’ve spent all day researching the perfect lingerie, hearing that we look “sexier than Rihanna in her ‘Pour It Up’ video,” is always well-received.
(Yes, patrons in the comments section, these are my daddy issues talking — you’ve totally figured me out.)
14. Shares the same values
Someone who is materialistic and enjoys splurging on extravagances probably won’t last very long with someone who is down-to-earth and likes to rough it. This is why celebrities marry other celebrities***.
(***The reason they don’t last very long, though, is completely unrelated to this list.)
15. Stays faithful
This seems fairly obvious; although, you’d be surprised at how many people are more and more accepting of the fact that their spouses will cheat at least once in their relationship.
I am not one of those people. Don’t f*cking cheat on me, or I’ll break up with you… And then cut off your balls because I assume you have none in order to do that to a person. (Smiles.)
16. Displays intelligence
Smart people don’t suck. They also offer insightful advice and help you make good choices. Your spouse doesn’t have to be a college graduate. We’re referring to the kind of partner who innately possesses that brand of sage intelligence.
17. Appeases your attraction (whatever that means to you)
Because you’re going to be spending the better part of your life with this person, it’s mildly crucial that you also feel connected to him or her. I happen to be fond of older, hairy men. And I’m pretty sure that sounds attractive to no one but myself.
18. Partakes in various hobbies
They don’t have to be the same hobbies as yours (see #8 ‘Compromises’), so long as your partner has other ways of fulfilling him or herself, aside from banging you and then cuddling on repeat. Whether that means frequenting museums or watching viral videos, your partner should have other interests outside of your relationship.
Bonus points if by “hobby,” you also mean “grubbing.”
19. Shares in your vision for the future
Hopefully you’re both in it.
20. Delivers unconditional love
Unconditional love is kind of like the Olive Garden: When you’re there, you’re family.
On Being Nice
For as long as I can remember everyone has associated the word “nice” next to my name. It’s not that I don’t want to be known as nice nor is it because I dislike being nice, it’s just that sometimes I wonder if people can see beyond “nice” and notice other things about me. I wonder if anyone actually appreciates what I do and the extra time and attention I put into things. I know it’s taken note of but after the moment has gone and passed, does anyone even remember? Does it stand out to them? Will it continue to matter and make a difference to them as the years go by?
I used to have a really hard time saying “No” to people. It used to be so bad it almost got to the point where I would try to avoid conversations with people or not fully commit nor fully dismiss responsibility or consent in order to not have to tell them no. In other words, I used to be a pushover. It wasn’t because I was afraid of people not liking me or not being my friend. To me, it made sense to be nice to others and if I didn’t have to go out of my way to do something for others, I would do it but I found that I would end up in situations that I didn’t really want to be in and only so I could spare the other person’s feelings. Through a lot of personal experiences and interactions with a few specific individuals, I started to not be happy with myself for putting myself in these situations, for not speaking up for myself especially when the other person was wrong or being extremely unfair.
Today, I am far from the pushover I used to be and I don’t hesitate to say no anymore, although I still find myself telling other people yes most of the time. I know I have the power to say no and I am not obligated to share why. Yet, lately, I can’t help but wonder if there is such a thing as “being too kind” or “having too big of a heart” and if that’s a bad thing. I mean, of course, obviously if you are too nice, you’re more likely to be a victim of abuse and an easy target for manipulators but what I’m talking about is, does being too nice make those that you are around feel bad because they can’t be like you? Does it make other people feel obligated to treat you well and be around you for nothing more than the fact that they feel bad for not wanting to be around you or that they cannot treat you the same way you treat them?
I know I should just be myself and who I am. I couldn’t imagine not being nice and refusing to help others. I think that would turn me into a very nasty, negative person. There is so much joy I get from giving and from doing things for others – and it’s not because it reinforces the privilege that I have to be able to help and give or the intelligence or talents that I possess. Each time I am able to help another person, I feel as if I’ve gained something, much more so than when I get paid or make money. It’s just that lately, I’ve been wondering about a lot of things which all seem to be interconnected with my being nice. I just couldn’t help but question it. Perhaps I’m just thinking too much but better to think too much than not at all.
Ascension
And if I go
While you’re still here…
Know that I live on
Vibrating to a different measure
Behind a veil you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
so you must have faith,
I wait for the time when we can soar together again
both aware of each other,
Until then, live life to its fullest!
When you need me, just whisper
my name in your heart…
I will be there.
– Colleen Cora Hitchcock
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